Jokes? Post them!!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will
fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened
fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and
blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess
about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you never f*ck with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder
twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Haha. Dick jokes - gotta lov'em

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fudge he wants.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fudge out of the way.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fudge Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

What did god say after he created the 2nd black guy?








- Damn i fried this one too

(no offense nega)

Baboow wrote:(no offense nega)

?! bob's the one who's black not me

Haha!!!

Lol, awesome Setto xD

<cough>

- Do you speak english?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no … I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn’t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast …

Dont play sven too much Adm

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the towns only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

Two guys are out camping and sharing a case of beer at a folding table. They get wasted and one of them gets up to take a piss. When he's done he forgets to zip his trousers and as he sits down his penis falls out of his pants, landing on the table. The other guy shouts "A SNAKE" while bashing it once with an empty botle. The other one goes "AW GODDAMNIT. HIT IT AGAIN, IT BIT MY DICK"

How many surrealists are needed in order to change a broken light bulb?

-Fish!